my life of transparent ambiguity

2010-04-27T13:15:00.001-05:00

Some beautiful words of wisdom...

“Don’t hesitate in making decisions based on fear of failure … take action and just go for it!”

“Love is how you stay alive, even when you’re gone”

In life many things are out of your control. The key is to just take what happens in stride and keep going.

2010-01-25T22:35:00.002-06:00

Let's see. I think I'll try this again. The irony is that I actually would still write in this blog again. See I started this a long time ago with the hope that I could gain clarity by analyzing some of the random musings that I would conceive in my mind.

Funny thing is, the one person that convinced me to start writing this was my only reader. And to her credit, she was a loyal reader. Today, she won't read it, mainly because she doesn't know I and starting again. See, she has one too, but doesn't write in her anymore either.

It doesn't matter though. She wouldn't read it because honestly, she could care less. She is a symbolic figure of a fading time. Like time and life, she is eroding away, fading slowly out of my life. Unfortunately, that's life - in many cases, we're all just passing through.

People are hard to explain, but clarity exists and isn't that hard if you know what you seek. I realize that friends are friends because its easy. Add some distance and they move on and forget about you...

Sometimes, we try to hard to hold on to what once existed. Thing is, we are lost within a dream. It doesn't exist anymore or worse, it never existed as you see it now.

Yeah, we can sit here and ponder the mistakes we made, but they're made and as much as it hurts your heart you can't change it.

What's important is that you take a minute and open your eyes. You will see a new beginning. You will see new people, people that will mesh with the old ones. Then, you will also see the ones who continue to fade and the sooner the better. See, they only exist now to try to take you down, to try to bring forth your own demise. In the end, all you're really doing is drowning in a sea of names.

Yeah, my reader may be gone, but thing is, she probably wouldn't understand me anymore anyway. And honestly, did she ever truly grasp what was there? They only existed because it was easy. Add some distance and they moved on and forgot about you...like it never happened.

2010-01-22T22:58:00.001-06:00

Eyes talk louder If you listen, for they will tell you everything you ever needed to know...

2010-01-13T21:11:00.002-06:00

"I'm not saying it is going to be easy, but it's when you are biting your finger nails that the best memories are made..."

2009-07-10T18:29:00.001-05:00

Worry is not the disposition that will get us through this. Confidence is what's needed. Faith in the system and the personnel and the preparation is what is required.

2009-06-28T16:30:00.001-05:00

"Time itself, and the clock as a measuring device for it, can be your friend whether you have too much of it or not enough. It defines the moment and your place within it. And it gives you the information you need to make the best choice."

2009-03-20T18:53:00.000-05:00

"The Sun will enter Aries today, bringing a period of confidence and fearlessness. You'll bravely face your demons and move forward. Over the next month, you'll begin new and exciting initiatives and be a pioneer in some way."

Interesting...More later.

2009-02-04T21:54:00.000-06:00

Arcade Fire - "Rebellion (Lies)"

2009-01-23T22:25:00.002-06:00

Chevelle - "Mia" from the album Point #1

2009-01-20T22:41:00.002-06:00

It sucks when you have so much to say about a lot of things, but for some reason, you can't get any of it out. Maybe this is healthier. This forces you to ponder these things in your head. However, this means that you and you alone will have to find the answers to these questions. You have to be cautious and not lead yourself astray. Still, there is a sense of tranquility to this state. It's just you and your thoughts, with the future in the balance.

2009-01-12T22:32:00.003-06:00

Sadly from where I stand, I almost would give anything to forget. I know it's somewhat morbid to say so, because that would be a place to where you cannot come back, but at least I wouldn't have to feel this. On one hand, you'd lose a piece to the puzzle and it would be gone forever, but at the same time so would the pain. And at this point, I just want the pain to go away forever. I'm tired.

2009-01-11T00:07:00.003-06:00

Sometimes it's best to just shut up and sit back. Then, you can fully absorb what you are witnessing. If you can do that, the answers are right there in front of you. Just know that the clock is ticking and you have the ability to change the future just by saying what you have to say. Nobody can do this for you. It's the old adage, " i can show you the door, but you have to walk through it." It's really up to you. You make the choice. Just be ready to fight for what you believe in. That will be the true test on whether or not there is truth in your heart.

2009-01-06T21:20:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I always wonder what if there was a magical way that we could go back and reexamine a time/day/situation that could have altered the course of our lives forever. Sounds fun, right?

Of course the company line is that things always work out for the best and for the most part I very much believe that is to be true. However, does it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe that isn't the case. Think about it. Why do we watch movies, read, dream and such? Because, in fantasy the good guy always wins. Our hero always rides into the sunset. In real life, this isn't always the case. I know this, you know this, we all know this. But, most choose to deny this.

So, you probably wonder what's my point? Point is, sometimes I think about this power to go back and see what might have, or what could have been and of course, you'll have people tell you that it happened the way it did because this is how it was meant to be and it all happened for the best. But you know what truly strikes fear in our hearts? What if the alternative outcome would have really been for the best?

Think about it. How much more like real life would that be. It follows the same pattern. Maybe saying "This all happens for a reason or for the best" is merely just another way of denial? All it does is act as some sort of medicinal cure for the soul. A white lie that helps us sleep at night, but all along we know that it's false. That my friends is frightening. The thing that makes me think, is if there was a way to see these alternate endings, that if we found out they were better and truly for the best. How hard would that be to take? Knowing that we were the true creator of our own demise. See, we feel so much better when we can blame someone else for our failures. This allows us to accept them and say 'Hey, fuck them, it's all their fault. We did everything right!" But, what happens when to place the blame, you only need look in the mirror? That's what really hurts.

And that's why such a power could be the opening of Pandora's Box. Still, I find myself wishing to see. We've all been there. Like choosing different doors to walk through, it could be anything to anyone. It could be saying something, doing something, or doing nothing at all.

Therein lies the dilemma. But, in the end it doesn't matter. Because, this is real life and we all need reasons to dream anyway. It's just too bad we can't go back and see. It could have been what we were looking for all along, right under our nose. And like dust, one breath and it blows away, perhaps for eternity. And the only one you can blame stares you in the eyes every time they look in the mirror. All you can do is stare them right back in eyes and say "I'm sorry."

2009-01-04T23:01:00.002-06:00

"We trade tit for tat like that for this
And I don't think that there was an insult that was missed
I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and
I'm very sorry."

"It rained and its over a shooting star
Landed directly on our broke down little car
We fold and we had made a wish
That we would be missed
If one another just did not exist..."

2008-09-03T22:56:00.002-05:00

You have to embrace those that still cherish you as an intricate part on their lives. You can't just simply overlooked them because you are preoccupied with superficial matters that in the end probably don't matter at all. In the end, it's pretty simple. Focus on what's not there rather than what is there and soon, you will gave no one by your side. Why dwell on those who choose to leave? Why are they so important. Truth they really aren't. It's true. We're all just passing through. maybe then, when one has the opportunity to take a step back and reflect will they come to know their lives as good and maybe then, as complete.

2008-08-17T03:03:00.000-05:00

I don't wanna die.

2008-08-05T22:52:00.002-05:00

Interesting discussion today. It's a realization that sometimes, we're built one way. It's the same story. Nothing ever changes ad we complain. However, we know it already. Yet, we complain when it self destructs. Then, you dig deeper and see that if you undo things, then it's acts as a self defense mechanism and we protect ourselves from further harm. A sad cycle, but it's life and it isn't changing anytime soon, if ever...

2008-07-27T00:09:00.000-05:00

"No one's gonna take me alive,
The time has come to make things right,
You and I must fight for our rights,
You and I must fight to survive,

No one's gonna take me alive,
The time has come to make things right,
You and I must fight for our rights,
You and I must fight to survive"

Muse - "Knights Of Cydonia"

2008-07-24T22:10:00.002-05:00

It's nice when they tell you that you can't accomplish something. It's nice when they question the validity of your presence there. They say you're not good enough, that it's always meant for someone else. They call you a loser. It's up to those that are tired of being downtrodden to stand up and refuse to accept losing as a way of life, but rather to change it all and make believers out of everyone. And it always helps to have a dream in your heart.

Of course there will be non-believers out there, who still refuse to accept that you have arrived. They'll still call you a loser and question why you are there. They'll say you're a fluke, but you believed the whole time and you wouldn't accept the past as normality. In fact, in the moment where you make your mark, you stand up before all and send a message, that in fact dreams do come true and you know what? In the end, they can't ever call you a loser anymore.

How's that for living the dream?

2008-07-20T01:04:00.002-05:00

It seems to be the only consistent thing in life. It's the so called "dream" and it dominates our every waking moment. These days I ponder if it even exists. Follow me here. Every day, I've believed that we pursue, the dream job, the dream place, the dream everything. Does it even exist? Sometimes, I wonder if we're meant to never reach this utopia that we dream of. Maybe that's the secret? Life is just a quest, in which the ultimate goal, is merely that, a goal. It's a goal that is meant to never be achieved. This allows to spend every day chasing this, knowing full well that it doesn't exist. Because if we somehow found what we seek, then what? Where do we go from there?

It just seems as if pain has and will always be the only consistent feeling in this life. Seriously, I really just have never known anything else. The sooner that is accepted, the sooner that life can just go on and then the questions will be answered.

2008-07-07T22:31:00.000-05:00

2008-06-23T22:18:00.002-05:00

A story that begun with an observation, it was a tale that was perhaps cursed from the start. See, our hero was to be one that transcends the very definition of the word special. It was supposed to be too easy. And in time, faced with adversity, they would prevail and be set to embark on their journey. It was never quite to be however. They would not quite ever really reach their full potential, leaving us all to settle for glimpses into a dream. A state of pure fantasy and sheer brilliance. Was this truly meant to be?

The answers may lie in the blood that flows from the epicenter of love. Evidently, all seems so simple in that moment. Instead, that moment would soon fade into memory and eventually into the storybooks. Purely a myth, it was journey that would carry them. Each stop along the way trying to recapture what was too difficult to comprehend. In reality, this was the curse that had beset them. It never existed. Each stop was a moment passing through, fleeting in a state of pure cruelty.

The only moments that were coveted where those where life could flourish and overcome the agony that was bearing down. Unfortunately, it wasn't to be. Despair would inevitably always win out, leaving our hero beleaguered, but always resilient. It was always the main objective to dust yourself off. Get back on the horse and continue riding until the time was at hand to capture the fleeting glory, if only to stare it in the eyes for a few seconds. Enough, so that to know that it does in fact exist, though fully aware that it is never meant to be. In short, it's a unicorn of the soul, a curse to drown amidst a sea of despair. In reality it was the only true destiny.

Now, they arrive at this juncture, beaten and slowly wearing down, aware that a few more beatings like this and it will eventually win out. It'll end, with no answer and many questions. You know, that of the "what could or might have been" category. In a day in age where one can essentially have it all albeit for a few fleeting moments, it will be the saddest of the tales. It will be the story that never came to be. A book comprised of chapters and tales that stain of the very definition of the word miss.

2008-06-18T22:16:00.002-05:00

It's merely a formality. Almost as if you are writing your own life page by page, word by word. Each day that passes you can only hope that somehow, any of it makes sense one day. Lately, the outlook becomes darker and darker by the day. But does this mean we are confined to running desperately through the snow? If you listen you hear the soft crunching of it. So violent, yet so peaceful. It is the eternity we fear, yet embrace as home. But, what choice is there anymore?

2008-06-05T23:01:00.001-05:00

We truly will never know. No cute analogy. No cute story. That's pretty much it. Slowly, we all fade to black.

2008-06-04T11:53:00.004-05:00

There are no happy endings here, only realistic ones. Real life. What a sobering thought. But, that's all it is and all it'll ever be. Seeing something slip way, but realizing there was never any slipping, because in order to make that statement, let's face it, you have to be in a position to let something slip away. If anything, you only could hope to stand on the hood of your car and squint to see it and even then, who's to say it's only a mirage. Get it now? It's fake, a phony, bullshit, whatever cute word or analogy you wanna use. It doesn't matter anyway and maybe it never did. Because this is life and in life, the good guy doesn't always get the call or the last second shot clangs off the backboard to the right and the buzzer sounds, or and here's the worst, most cynical and sadly, the most realistic explanation: the bad guy wins.

See, that's why we immerse ourselves in movies, books, daydreams, etc.etc.etc. We do so because this is real life and whether you agree with me or not, the bad guy wins. And unlike fantasy THIS is the usual outcome.

2008-05-20T22:35:00.002-05:00

How hard is it to believe in something? At first, that seems like a simple question. But, to believe in something or someone can be difficult when confronted with the fact that you may be the only one on that ledge. See, everyone won't see it your way and you'll want to quit and resign to the fact that you were wrong and always were. But, if you really believe in what you know deep down is the truth, then you have to show the courage to stick by it. Because you know that you had the answers all along. That's what it means to believe and most times few get its true meaning and that will be a test of the soul.

2008-05-15T19:23:00.001-05:00

2008-05-12T23:10:00.002-05:00

Sometimes we question what is failing us and in doing so, we risk the possibility of losing more and what might be more important. Truth is, if we're questioning the loss of something, then it's been gone for some time. Now, there's no point in fretting over it, or lamenting the failure that is so prevalent. The key now is to work to create something new and beautiful. In doing so, we say goodbye and the lost are left to ponder how they systematically destroyed what could have manifested itself into utopia, a place that we long to live within.

2008-05-07T20:48:00.003-05:00

“When nothing seems to help, I go look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it, but all that had gone before.” — Jacob Riis

GO SPURS GO!!!

2008-04-27T21:58:00.002-05:00

Wandering aimlessly, the times seems to be fast approaching where giving up is the only option, all that is left in what a land of promise and serenity. Slowly, hope drains away, like watching rain water flow away. To where it's all going, who knows? All you know, is that it's flowing away, draining away. You can just sit there and listen to the rain. It's all that is left. With the rain goes all the hopes and dreams once so prevalent and invincible. Once upon a time, it was a mere formality. Now, it's hardly a memory. We should be so lucky, the memory is the only fossil that remains. What is left is a sad reminder of what happens when you sit back and play a starring role in your own demise.

2008-04-16T22:13:00.001-05:00

"I could argue all of these things, but I won't, because then I start thinking again about that old man sitting alone in a restaurant. And I realize that one day soon the old man will be me."

2008-04-15T22:06:00.003-05:00

With all the wonderful stuff that happened, it just made sense. You just knew. First, it was our time and everyone is still on cloud nine. I could only sit back and smile, because I just knew all along and here we were with a straight flush, just laying the cards on the table.

But, what has come since is what I feared for month. Life is beginning to pull back towards even. And this is bad. I may not recover from it. I'm left with anger and bitterness towards many. But, it won't matter, because I always knew this would happen and that it will be over soon. And you won't care, because you never did. But, that's not the point of this. Point is, I lost and wasted nothing but time. Time we never get back.

We had a helluva run didn't we?

2008-03-29T00:07:00.000-05:00

Sleeping is giving in, no matter what the time is. sleeping is giving
in, so lift those heavy eyelids.
people say that you'll die faster than without water. but we know it's
just a lie, scare your son and scare your daughter.
people say that your dreams are the only things that save ya.
come on baby in our dreams, we can live our misbehavior.
every time you close your eyes lies, lies!
people try and hide the night underneath the covers.
people try and hide the light underneath the covers.
come on hide your lovers underneath the covers.
come on hide your lovers underneath the covers.
hidin' from your brothers underneath the covers, come on hide your
lovers underneath the covers.
people say that you'll die faster than without water, but we know it's
just a lie, scare your son, scare your daughter
now here's the sun, it's alright! now here's the moon, it's alright!
now here's the sun, it's alright! now here's the moon, it's alright!
but every time you close your eyes, lies!

"Rebellion"
~Arcade Fire

2008-03-24T21:43:00.002-05:00

It seems as if forever I walk in a cold field, being overlooked by time which has become my foe. In this walk, it is eternally gray and cold. You can hear the snow crunching beneath my feet. In some ways, it's serene and beautiful and in some, it's just what it is. Cold and dark and my walk takes me through a journey that will lead to the depths of one's soul. And for one second, maybe a fraction of that second all seem to cease and it became clear that eternity could stare someone in the eye.

2008-03-12T22:14:00.001-05:00

You're over. Think I'm kidding?

2008-03-10T22:05:00.002-05:00

To sit and play witness to your own end is sobering. Suddenly, you realize day by day, that the theme of your life has been all the time that's been wasted. We'll never get it back. At the current pace, this journey will only end in a reality shrouded in regret. In the end, that may be the only thing by my side.

2008-03-09T22:31:00.002-05:00

Was is the intrigue? There are so many reason why it's not a good thing. But, can one be blamed for finding such a venture fascinating if nothing else? To think of the possibilities. Well, in that instance, you might as well be dreaming. And perhaps, that is all it is and all it'll ever be. But, if we stand on the precipice of discovering true enlightenment, to be touched by one moment when for one second all became irrelevant, except for the two deemed star crossed at its inception.

So, where does that leave us tonight. you'd be amazed that I'd put you before all that is customary or expected. Because the rest was a fabrication. Just settling. This however, is dangerous and tempting, but could also bear the most fruitful gift of all. It would be righteous and justified in its beauty. And we'd have the last laugh, because we never knew. And even still, I can explain it, because no one knows. No one supposed to. After all, I'm must be out of my mind. But, I'd be lying to turn my back to and ignored the intrigue. And there in lies the dichotomy between the thought and the actions that call us to rise to a moment that will define us and set the stage for the greatest that human spirit can offer. Thus, we'll live in a reality that could only be seen in a moment. A freeze frame of a dream that may in fact be real. But, you don't know and neither do I.

2008-03-06T22:36:00.000-06:00

"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky
But why, why, why can't it be
Why can't it be mine?"

~ Eddie Vedder, Pearl Jam

2008-02-24T20:42:00.002-06:00

Is perfection ever attainable? And what exactly is perfection? Is it a word? Or merely a concept? Something that is formulated in our thoughts, impossible to ever attain. I believe that it is our goal, everyday, to ascertain the perfect day, the perfect week, perfect month, perfect year. You get the idea. I'll go even further and say that we strive each and every day to achieve the perfect moment. Then, we try to take that moment and make it last for eternity. Sadly, this impossible, so the chase resumes. I just wonder is it possible? And what is "perfect?" It's a dream. It's a smile. It's a look. It's the purpose for living. It's a quest. And every night, we are left in despair dreaming that tomorrow will be.......perfect.

2008-02-17T20:39:00.000-06:00

What happens tomorrow could determine the rest of my life.

2008-02-14T20:52:00.000-06:00

Expect the worse and feel no pain.

2008-02-12T22:28:00.002-06:00

Ever thought about a moment or series of moments that you wish could live in your heart forever. Tonight, I remembered some "moments." I try not to be one of those people that live in the past, but I just wish, some days, particularly when we need a pick me up, I could go back and just bask in a moment that could last forever. I guess that's how it goes, right? But, you know what I mean. Or maybe, I just wish I could have done things right in the first place. But, there in lies the difference between dreaming and being awake. The difference between fantasy and reality.

2008-02-10T22:17:00.000-06:00

It would be nice. It really would be. All I can do is hope.

2008-02-05T20:34:00.000-06:00

I'm an idiot. Plain and simple. Funny how some things are so blatantly in front of your face. Sad part is that's it's ancient history. What if it's hopeless to even fathom rectifying? That part stings. Bad.

2008-02-02T23:57:00.000-06:00

What does it take to win? It's imperative that you surround yourself with good people. People that you know will stand by you through good times and bad. In the latter, it is then that you will know what you are made of as well as them. They will still be there. Still, there will be those that you surround yourself with that you would like to be included within that circle. But, the harsh truth is you must know when to spot the ones that are counter-productive. You must know to quickly dispatch them from your life. For failure to do so will render the situation as counter-intuitive. The sooner you cut them off, the less pain one will have to endure. It is that and only that which can spell defeat. The ones that are your people will always take care of you and keep you from harm's way. Anyone else is only looking to bring you down and use you to their benefit. In there will lie the true definition of success. And the most beautiful thing is you will do it as one. The "others" will only be able to stand far away and look on with envy. But, it'll never be your problem. Because you won and you always knew you would.

2008-02-01T22:44:00.000-06:00

Who's to think one's right? You just get back up, dust ourself out only to find your self growing colder and more stoic. Suddenly, not much bothers you anymore. You meet every shot with a reaction that bears cold and hollow to the very core. You're convince you will never be beaten. The challenge is to convince yourself that what's done is done. Hence, you grow a rough exterior that pierces straight into the heart of the darkness that besets upon us. And the one day there you are. You're no longer the one they once saw. You're a wounded shadow of a hero, worn down and beaten. Now, you're unrecognizable and they see you as you always did, just as you did in that dark room, chained to an eternity consumed by a hollow disposition. Sweet dreams.

2008-01-31T19:51:00.000-06:00

"Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to re-ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold"

"Starlight" by Muse

Quite impressive, quite.

2008-01-28T22:03:00.000-06:00

Kathleen Sebilius makes George Bush look like AIDS.

2008-01-24T22:03:00.000-06:00

Tonight's first episode of Scrubs was nothing short of awesome. That's it. Goodnight everybody!

2008-01-21T21:43:00.001-06:00

The sounds of serenity beckon upon the shores of eternal optimism. Lurking in the breeze is the basking of a glow of warmth that last forever. It's the sweetest of drug trips. The kind of trip we yearn for. It's the trip we covet with heart and soul. We live for the now, promised nothing, but vowing to share everything. There in that breeze can be the truth and a reality that could only be merely dreamed of or brought to life in our trip. There it lies. Your life and the dream that you live everyday within. It's brought to life in glimpses and you spend every waking second chasing it. It is eternal bliss and it's a reality that can one day be one with reality. In that trip, you're provided with a glimpse and it's your mission to bring forth its validity.

2008-01-19T22:03:00.000-06:00

To understand fear, is to stare your own demise in the eyes and accept the reality of failure, not as an option, but as an inevitability. It's seeing the darkness and the infinity that it could encompass. The times are frightening and cold and harsh. To ride into this existence is to ponder whether any of it was ever worth it. It's sitting outside, as the rain drenching you with coating of despair. It appears a minor miracle can rescue this ill fated trip. It's a permanent mind trip to which there is no come down. funny, can one come down, when they are already buried amidst a graveyard of dreams? This is where we stand today. The end is approaching and there are no heroes in this tale. At this point, the mire is thick and convoluted. Choking on a dense fog of fear, disguised as infinite darkness, to which we may never escape.

2008-01-18T22:10:00.000-06:00

I missed the opportunity
to get you babe to stay with me.
Never thought, I'd regret the excuses that I've made
like a song, it will fade

If there's music in the night,
And it's really, really right,
It's the only thing I need.
it intoxicates your mind
All your troubles left behind
So come on and take my lead.
it's not just me who feels it
music plays a mind trick
watch me forget about missing you

so i put my feelings out to dry
love, one day again,
i'll have to try.
falling out, making up
it seems such a silly game
why do i never gain?

If there's music in the night,
And it's really, really right,
"It's the only thing I need.
it intoxicates your mind
All your troubles left behind
So come on and take my lead.
it's not just me who feels it
music plays a mind trick
watch me forget about missing you

na na na's

If there's music in the night,
And it's really, really right,
It's the only thing I need.
it intoxicates your mind
All your troubles left behind
So come on and take my lead.
it's not just me who feels it
music plays a mind trick
watch me forget about missing you"

"Mind Trick" by Jamie Cullum
(great song)

2008-01-15T20:32:00.001-06:00

We're in trouble.

2008-01-13T18:53:00.001-06:00

Figures. All of it.

2008-01-12T22:39:00.000-06:00

Looking back at the evolution of this blog, it has occurred to me that lately the ratio of posts with a connotation that is shrouded in melancholy vs those that are positive is five to one at best. At the start, they were back and forth and generally much happier. The truth about where things lie within the numbers. There in lies all your answers.

2008-01-11T23:06:00.000-06:00

There are bad feelings in life and there is this. The beginning of the evening out has begun. I fear for how I will pay. At the same time, what is this? This feeling is one of no salvation. There is no right answer. There is no happy ending. I've always said I'm a realist, then why should any of this be any different? It wasn't before or again. In fact, everything has gone just the way I perceived it would all go. Then, why should I complain? All I did was speak righteous and justly and sadly I was right. Every time, I prayed I would be wrong. When did I ever think I would say that?

Now, I suffer everyday. If this is how it's to be, then I want out. I can't do this anymore. Put it this way, there are many thoughts swirling now, but I keep coming back to the one that stares me in the eyes like the dawn of my own demise. It's the thought that whatever I do is wrong. I can't win, no matter how much I scream inside. The truth is. I scream into an infinite darkness where no one can hear you.

This is reality, for better or for worse and it's mostly the latter, stuck on the verge of losing everything. I've already lost a lot. I can' do this. In so many ways, I did wrong and now, I reap what I've sewed. I give anything for rain now. Now and forever more, all I will have is the rain, darkness and eternal cold, pondering how all went so wrong and slipped into an infinity that beholds my end. For that I'm sorry. It was supposed to be better. We were suppose to shock them all. Forever as I close my eyes, I will be haunted by you on the swing amidst the lightning, a brief glimpse into what ultimately amounted to nothing but a mirage of momentary bliss. The time will be soon at hand to slip away and I'll fade from you and then you'll wake and it won't matter anymore. After all, it never did I never did. Blink. See? And now you're all better now.

2008-01-08T22:45:00.000-06:00

Today, we simply write about the 2008 FedEx Orange Bowl Champion Kansas Jayhawks. Sounds beautiful doesn't it? Who would have ever thought? Certainly not that night on the field a Memorial Stadium the night before the season opener two years ago.

I never thought this whole year was possible. Call it a dream come true. Almost the greatest dream come true, amidst a time and place where no dreams ever come true. Even as one was dying horrifically, it didn't matter. It wasn't going to deter me or us and our destiny. We didn't write the script, we just lived it out.

Put simply, it was the perfect day. Ok, maybe a thing or two were far from perfect, but if you think that was going to ruin anything, you're wrong. Dead wrong. This story is about dreams and destiny and the wonderful people that were along for the ride. People you could trust. Hand in hand in war. We also paused to remember those who couldn't be there on that perfect night. Those who deserved and should have been there. No matter what, we started this journey together and it would have only been right to all take that last victory as one in victory.

Then, I remember a brother that is gone. You'll never be forgotten and you were there. Also, the Niners still suck! Hahahahaha. But, seriously, you'll always be missed and you're with me every day. You must be impressed about by how I know just how to sit and watch it all blow away?

It's was a quest that, yes could have been better, but that's not how life works. Instead, sit back take it all in and be grateful. B/c it'll never be the same ever again.

But, for one night, it was ours and no one can ever take it away. And I will always be so blessed to see it for fear of the day when I can't see anything anymore, especially you.

Time of your life kid...

2007-12-16T22:15:00.000-06:00

You can imagine what I thought. The images that are conveyed beneath the bright redness of the mountains. It's enough to bring chills to your spine. The kind that make every hair on the back of your neck stand at once. Yet, the serenity that the moment brings is as beautiful as it is haunting. I wanna say you wouldn't understand, but what is truly fascinating, is that you would understand. But, I'm not one for dishing out compliments, just as I am for extending my arm out. It is what it is, as was that evening. I wonder how we arrive at this point and what lies ahead, as well as beneath.

Perhaps, I can see it now, winding through the canyons. The waters rush beneath, like an ever flowing oasis of dreams. At the surface, it all seems so attainable. But, it has been and regretfully will always be fleeting. But, I always think beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

So, as I drove that evening, all I could do is think. And now, here I am, lost in thought and wondering. The sun, so bright, created a mirage, much like the fleeting dream that has manifested itself within my soul. But, you knew that.

2007-12-10T21:55:00.000-06:00

I used to love winter. Now, I absolutely hate winter.

2007-12-09T18:24:00.000-06:00

With the dark cold wind comes the harsh realization of a life that is stuck in traction. It's one step forward, two steps back and very little hope in sight. And now, there are days where I can see inevitability and it comes in the form of a dark, cold wind.

2007-11-08T21:27:00.000-06:00

In that moment you will find life and the light that calls us home. The moment is the one which is fleeting, teasing, and eventually haunting. One second, maybe a blink and perhaps a beat of the heart. Enough so, that you can only now think it happened. So in other words, it never did. But, one blink and one breath could be all you really need to take you back and envelop you in a warmth that could span all eternity. For it is in that moment that we may find what we seek. It will be our calling to take us home. In that moment, we find the warmth masqueraded in a veil of cold that sends a chill to the epicenter of our soul, but we know there in lies perpetual bliss. There in lies you.

2007-11-07T21:55:00.001-06:00

I just really don't care anymore. There's no point to any of it. At least, you can see disaster and avert it and salvage what you can, which isn't much, but it's all there is anymore.

2007-11-05T21:10:00.000-06:00

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
when the funds are low and the debts are high,
and you want to smile but you have to sigh,
when care is pressing you down a bit - rest if you must,
but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns.
As everyone of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about when he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow - you may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than it seems to a faint and faltering man;
often the struggler has given up when he might have captured the victor's cup;
and he learned too late when the night came down,
how close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out - the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
and you never can tell how close you are,
it may be near when it seem so far;
so stick to the fight when you're hardest hit - it's when things seem worse,
that you must not quit.

"Don't Quit"
by Author Unknown

2007-11-05T20:47:00.001-06:00

I regret nothing. I am justified. And glory belongs to the righteous. I win. Go Jimmy Go!!!

2007-10-15T22:14:00.000-05:00

Let's be honest. Do we think the end is impending? Is doom on the horizon? Do I deserve good things? have I paid any dues? And what is good? Only time will tell. Maybe. But, I'm doubtful, to be quite honest with you and it's so sad.

2007-10-08T21:59:00.000-05:00

"No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day."

~Bill Hicks

2007-10-03T22:16:00.000-05:00

Why do we desire going home? And for that matter, what is home? I do know we aren't there. But, are you there? It's hard to be the only one convinced they're right. It becomes you against the world. Just the way we like it. Was there no other way? But, to embrace going home. One has to do that first before we know anything. It's the hope that it's everything we wished it would be. And if it isn't, then the jokes on me. Funny how nothing ever really changes.

2007-09-19T12:46:00.000-05:00

It all means nothing. Stay grounded. Stay humble. Stay skeptical.

2007-08-24T21:00:00.001-05:00

It's winning time now!

2007-08-23T21:39:00.000-05:00

Don't get too close. Never let them in too close. You'll only get destroyed. Nothing ever changes. Now, it's a fight to protect. We must be defensive to avoid the final blow.

2007-08-21T22:27:00.001-05:00

To be so close and then lose it all. It will always sting. How can one recover, when there's no hope to begin with?

2007-08-19T21:57:00.000-05:00

It's kinda great to catch a mistake before you make it. It's like avoiding falling into a dark hole that leads to an existence that resides in infinite darkness. We must all protect ourselves, even if it means severing what we thought were arteries to eternal sunshine. Truth is, they were never arteries. Maybe they weren't important at all. After all, if they really were, don't you think it all would have unfolded anyway?

We're all just passing through...

2007-08-16T21:20:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, we must close a door and lock it. It's not something we wanna do. It's just inevitability. It's our destiny.

2007-08-12T21:49:00.000-05:00

These days, defeat is just as much a common part of the vocabulary. It's just becoming the culture. It's like waking up every day to find that you're already 10 points behind. Each day ends with more uncertainty as the previous day, holding more questions than answers. The most common emotion is regret. It's dominates every second of every day. It's bringing about pressure, in which the only feasible comparison is heavy wet snow upon a tree branch. Nowadays, the branch is weakening. Saddest of all, this is a battle we fight alone. No one knows and frankly, no one could care much at all. To tell you the truth, I don't know how much more I have left in me. It would be easier if you could see change on the horizon. But, I know better, nothing ever changes anymore, just the dates on the calendar and the calendar is showing that what once was spring has transformed to winter and darkness is decending. We now wake to an eternal existence, that is shrouded in flannel gray skies and the harshest of cold winds. Welcome to reality. Not as shiny and gleaming with hope as you ever imagined, isn't it?

2007-08-07T21:10:00.000-05:00

"You don't see character in victory, you see it in defeat." Nothing could be more true right now. It's probably all I got left.

2007-08-05T23:16:00.000-05:00

"While we're on the subject
Could we change the subject now?
I was knocking on your ears
Don't worry, you were always out
Looking towards the future
We were begging for the past
Well we knew we had the good things
But those never seemed to last
Oh please just last

Everyone's unhappy
Everyone's ashamed
Well we all just got caught looking
At somebody else's page
Well nothing ever went
Quite exactly as we planned
Our ideas held no water
But we used them like a damn

Oh, and we carried it all so well
As if we got a new position
Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell
Saying yes, this is a fine promotion
Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell

Of course everyone goes crazy
Over such and such and such
We made ourselves a ??
We just used it as a crutch
We were suddenly uncertain
At least I'm pretty sure I am
Well we didn't need the water
But we just built that go god damn

Oh, and I know this all myself
I stood in front for all the people
Oh, and I know this all myself
We listen while life hangs on
And the sound of life's sweet bliss

Was it ever worth it?
Was there all that much to gain?
Well we knew we missed the boat
And we'd already missed the plane
We didn't read the invite
We just dance at our wake
All our favorites were playing
So we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

Tiny curtains open and we heard the tiny clap of little hands
A tiny man would tell a little joke and get a tiny laugh from all the folks
Sitting drifting around in bubbles and thinking it was us that carried them
When we finally got it figured out that we had truly missed the boat

Oh, and we carried it all so well
As if we got a new position
Oh, and we owned all the tools ourselves
But not the skills to make a shelf with
Oh, what useless tools ourselves"

"Missed The Boat" ~ By Modest Mouse

2007-07-31T21:20:00.000-05:00

To tell you the truth, I really don't give a fuck anymore.

2007-07-30T22:25:00.000-05:00

And with revenge, we sought redemption. Redemption for letting it slip away a year before. the loss that sent everything spiraling downward. But, through everything, we overcame and did it. Against all odds, we started the long journey back. It was hard, but it's not over. It's just the beginning. What a difference a year makes. Rarely, do we get the opportunity to put right what once went wrong. Now, the question is, can we do it one more time? Either way, at least I got a fourth championship. You can't take that away from me. I win!!!

2007-07-29T23:02:00.000-05:00

I don't know. Three words that are becoming too familar and are carrying as much weight as some other three word groupings that I've writen about before. They are just as frightening and their validity are becoming equal which is something to really think about today. I'm slowly withering away.

2007-07-26T19:07:00.000-05:00

So, let's get this straight, if it's positive, it's not true, if it's negative, then it's probably going to happen, right?

2007-07-24T20:23:00.000-05:00

Either I'm making a huge mistake or a brilliant escape. I wish I knew.

2007-07-23T21:09:00.000-05:00

Such a frustrating time this is. Starting to submerged once again into a familiar spot. About to walk through a door that will lead to either terminal bliss or terminal despair that will undoubtedly finish me off. It's sad. Every night as I drift to sleep, I see what I imagine is my warm place. A place where I have the only two things that matter. As it stands, I will likely never have any of them, which explains why this time period garners the name "dream." You have to take my word for it, it's there. You can reach, and for an instant, it's so close, only to slip further and further away, but stil come back every now and then to torture you. Could I have made a diffeence in one of them? In reality, that questionable. I do know, it wasn't supposed to happen then. But, what about now? Have we metamorphasized into state perpetual contentment? Or is it all just just out of reach? Hidden behind a veil of false hope. I really hope not, for if this is the case, we stand on the verge of a life so magical and so real, that it can only be described as serinity, a utopia where destiny and real life converge. From there, we write the chapters and perhaps, there will be a "happily ever after." I'm just afraid that this isn't how dreams work. In essence I maybe chasing multiple unicorns, only to find myself shrouded in permanent midnight. Now, the question is "Do I still believe?" Or am I fading away? Slowly eroding into hollow shell of bitterness and sadness, asking the simple question,"Why? What did I do? And how can I make amends?" It really is becoming too much to bear. I can only hope and pray to find utopia within that perfect drug.

2007-07-22T12:15:00.001-05:00

"It ain’t dark yet but it’s getting there."
~ Bob Dylan

2007-07-21T18:16:00.000-05:00

"Leavin home, out on the road
Ive been down before
Ridin along in this big ol jet plane
Ive been thinkin about my home
But my love light seems so far away
And I feel like its all been done
Somebodys tryin to make me stay
You know Ive got to be movin on

Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Dont carry me too far away
Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Cause its here that Ive got to stay

Goodbye to all my friends at home
Goodbye to people Ive trusted
Ive got to go out and make my way
I might get rich you know I might get busted
But my heart keeps calling me backwards
As I get on the 707
Ridin high I got tears in my eyes
You know you got to go through hell
Before you get to heaven

Big ol jet airliner
Dont carry me too far away
Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Cause its here that Ive got to stay

Touchin down in new england town
Feel the heat comin down
Ive got to keep on keepin on
You know the big wheel keeps on spinnin around
And Im goin with some hesitation
You know that I can surely see
That I dont want to get caught up in any of that
Funky shit goin down in the city

Big ol jet airliner
Dont carry me too far away
Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Cause its here that Ive got to stay

Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Dont carry me too far away
Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Cause its here that Ive got to stay
Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah

Big ol jet airliner
Dont carry me too far away
Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Cause its here that Ive got to stay

Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Carry me to my home
Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Cause its there that I belong"

"Jet Airliner" ~ Steve Miller Band

2007-07-18T21:38:00.000-05:00

I'm trapped. Period. Maybe, I'm making a mistake in everything. It will only lead to my inevitable undoing, to which I will never recover. This will be how this sad tale writes its sorrowful conclusion.

2007-07-11T20:46:00.001-05:00

So strange. Nothing makes sense. Is it good? Or is it bad? (Psssssh, we're leaning towards the latter). Some days, it's like a dog chasing its tail. Today is one of those days. Eventually, something has to give, because I'm completley lost.

2007-07-09T21:37:00.000-05:00

We're just hoping for some hope here all across the board in every way. Some days it's easy, some days it's hard. Am I worried about how things are progressing, or the lack there of? In a word, immensley.

2007-07-08T17:41:00.000-05:00

Well theres a light in your eye that keeps shining
Like a star that cant wait for the night
I hate to think Ive been blinded baby
Why cant I see you tonight?

And the warmth of your smile starts a-burnin
And the thrill of your touch gives me fright
And Im shaking so much, really yearning
Why dont you show up, make it all right?
Yeah, its all right.

And if you promised youd love so completely
And you said you would always be true
You swore that you would never leave me, baby:
What ever happened to you?

And you thought it was only in movies
As you wish all your dreams would come true
It aint the first time believe me, baby
Im standin here feeling blue
Yeah Im blue

Now I will stand in the rain on the corner
Ill watch the people go shuffling downtown
Another ten minutes no longer
And then Im turning around

The clock on the walls moving slower
My heart it sinks to the ground
And the storm that I thought would blow over
Clouds the light of the love that I found

Now my body is starting to quiver
And the palms of my hands getting wet
Ive got no reason to doubt you baby,
Its all a terrible mess

Ill run in the rain till Im breathless
When Im breathless Ill run till I drop, hey
The thoughts of a fools kind of careless
Im just a fool waiting on the wrong block, oh yeah
Light of the love that I found...

Led Zeppelin - "Fool In The Rain"
(Jones, Plant, Page)

2007-07-05T22:09:00.000-05:00

The days are numbered...

2007-07-04T00:28:00.000-05:00

It hurts to lose a brother this young. It hurts to know you'll never see them again. Especially when the last time you saw them was over two years ago. A life should never be taken this young and it hurts that I can't go home and pay my last respects, or say good-bye. Maybe, I'm in denial. Maybe I don't wanna realize it. But, regardless I will never forgive myself for not being able to go home to my second family. It's not fair, you were a brother. Always know that. Thank you for being my friend and I'm so sorry. I at least hope you'll be with me. We do this together and we conquer all, like it was supposed to be.

2007-07-02T21:04:00.000-05:00

What do you see? Do you see the yellow lines pass one by one. Seems, we're the stupid ones. Then, again, it's nice to prove everyone wrong. Maybe I should listen and learn to see. Then, again, there's a reason for everything, as the sun fades beyond the mountains. It's a perpexed state to be. There has to be an answer lurking close by. What is now before me is a choice. Open a door and step into the unknown, with everything to lose and everything to gain. It's just a matter of who gets to say I told you so. But, who knows, maybe I'll open my eyes and it'll be raining. Then, I'll have all the answers I ever need.

2007-06-28T22:48:00.000-05:00

We only set ousrselves up to fail. And it's frightening. To only do something to spite others. It is that thinking that will only lead to a downfall grater than ever imagined. Then I ask, who will be there? At that point, you see the truth for what it is, not a fantasy.

2007-06-20T22:22:00.000-05:00

The idea of believingin ana lternate reality is fascinating, but more accurately is better thought of as the simple idea of finding facsination with the ideas of alternate history. Cal it the "What If" theory. It's only mere food for thought. We always wonder in some way or shape, what if something had gone differently. If only it were possible to see what one's life would be like if in fact, "something" had gone differently. Mere food for thought.

2007-06-18T21:48:00.000-05:00

This is bad. I know impending disaster is on the horizon. This is gonna suck. Period.

2007-06-17T22:46:00.001-05:00

With great pride, I bask in the warm glow of this championship. Through everything, we've overcome to stand atop the mountain one more time. It makes me miss home, but not the actua home, but what home represents. I miss all the games that somehow helped me arrive here. I miss being there. It is personal to me, because I've won and I'm a chmapion. All of us should take time to lay back in the sun and enjoy the warm glow of destiny. Here's to more...

2007-05-30T22:46:00.000-05:00

For me, it's emotional for a whole different set of reasons. Simply put, many times, this has been a terrible year personally. It's had it share of adversity among many moments of happiness. But, throughout my life, there was always the Spurs. They are the reason I do what do today. Why I chase this dream. It all makes me miss my family and particularly my Dad. Times are changing, but in this year, 2007, I at least have this, even if I don't have much too much else. Don't get me wrong, I have tremendous friends and I wish they could share in this moment with me. For all of this though, I'm eternally grateful. I don't how much longer it's all going to last, but it's been a great ride. Thank you! GO SPURS GO!!!

2007-05-20T22:40:00.000-05:00

So, I haven't written in this thing in 40 days. Why? Not sure, maybe just not inspired. Maybe, little fearful, Maybe just nothing to really write about. So, why now? Honestly, b/c I'mm not that lazy and I have many things to ponder. One is the will to believe when no one else does. B/c you knew all along and were even told what you wanted to hear. Now, the only thing is to wait and enjoy the time in between, b/c it really is like old times. I will say that the act of missing is as much beautiful as it discouraging.

2007-04-10T23:18:00.000-05:00

Lately, I've been contemplating the validity of a dream. It's easiest to just imagine that the dreams that occur while we are asleep are the most accurate. But, I sometimes think that a daydream can be just as potent, if ot truly indicative of what has immersed us at the time of any dream. Here's the danger of buying into that crap. First, the best part about a daydream, when compared with a sleep dream, is that we control what the dream is about. That for the most part can cancel out everything. However, I believe that once in awhile, we can see a portal to an answer that we so very much seek. But, in order to accomplish that feat, we must seize the opportunity, when presented with it. We must listen. Like catching a speeding train, if you miss it, there is no other ride, like the frequency of any Southwest Airlines flight within the State of Texas. No, instead, it's over and you hope to seek clarity through a dream in your sleep. Trouble is, the answer is almost always shrouded in a thick non-transparent veil of ambiguity. Then, if it is clear, you better remember, otherwise, you're just left with another day, in which you're lost within your own existence.

2007-03-26T23:17:00.000-05:00

Let the music take you on a journey. Let it take you to a place that only you can find the way. See how it absorb you into its realm. There you are in this scene out of fiction. Only it isn't fiction, but does that make this place a dream? Maybe it is, forcing to fear awaking every day. But, what if this place was atainable. Then, that only can mean we seek the way. It's a path that can lead us to eternity.

2007-03-18T23:42:00.000-05:00

Would you even know if it was there? The truth is you can live with regret all you want, but you can't change. What's done is done. Now, you're left with a reality that may be much grimmer than it appears to the naked eye. If only and opportunity to rectify would bloom. But, would you even know if it was there?